Monthly Archives: June 2011

Holes, dug by little moles, angry jealous spies, got telephones for eyes…

Ever wonder what your skull looks like just before you lose your baby teeth?

Look at how those adult teeth are nested in the skull, waiting to push through. Strange ain’t it? It’s fascinating to me, but I find that viewing it also gives me a mild case of the willies. This feeling led me to discover, thanks to the internet, that it probably arises from something called trypophobia. And that makes sense. All of these things make me feel unpleasantly funny to varying degrees:

I’m not sure though. I mean, the photoshopped one of the girl is hard to look at. I clench up and feel quite uncomfortable. But it’s not fear so much as repulsion. Does that count? And while the sight of the lotus pod or the cluster of pipes gives me the creeps a little, I could touch or handle either one without a problem or an increase in that feeling. At any rate, maybe in my case it doesn’t always rise to the level of “phobia” per se, but it’s interesting to know other people are weirded out by these sorts of things enough that there’s a name for it.

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TODAY IN DEATH – June 28th

Since man’s evolutionary trajectory diverged from our ape ancestors a few million years ago, billions upon billions of our kind have bitten the dust. Tens of thousands of people die every single day, each one peculiar and unique. Here are 5 of them.

Billy Mays was perhaps the world’s most famous TV pitchman. As a young huckster on the Atlantic City boardwalk in the 1980s, he learned and perfected an old-fashioned sales technique called “yelling” that he then used to sell everything from bullshit to horseshit. Inexplicably, this technique, combined with a forced, lunatic smile, made him a household name and an assload of cash. He unwisely used some of that cash to buy cocaine–a substance that mixed badly with his hypertensive heart disease–and he died on this date in 2009 at the age of 50.

Rod Serling was aTV producer, screenwriter, novelist, and all-around upstanding dude. Unless you’re very young or very out of touch, you know him as the host of The Twilight Zone, but he was also a war hero and a liberal activist who was passionate about fighting against war and racial inequality. Unfortunately, Rod cared too much. All the horror and injustice of the world made him angry and tense much of the time. His heart couldn’t take it, and he died on this date in 1975 at the age of 50.

Robert Byrd was the longest serving member of the U.S. Senate (D) and a lifelong fiddle player. For quite a while in his 20s and 30s, he was also a member of the Ku Klux Klan. He later denounced the group and racism, but he let some of the old bigoted Bob out a few times in subsequent years, referring in 1996 to homosexuality as “aberrant behavior”, and nonchalantly mentioning he’d seen a lot of “white niggers” in his time during a 2001 interview. He died on this date in 2010 at the age of 92.

GG Allin was a hateful, filthy, punk-rock outlaw whose birth name was actually Jesus Christ Allin. He became infamous for being a dude that seriously just did not give a fuck, and for his live performances in which he’d hurt himself and others–often without pants and covered in his own excrement. A degenerate life of shit-eating, cutting himself, and heroin abuse proved unsustainable though, and he died on this date in 1993 at the age of 36.

James Madison was, of course, the 4th President of the United States, and the lucky husband of a woman known for making pies. He also wrote The Bill of Rights and is thought of by many as the “Father of the Constitution.” And, like most rich, white assholes back then, James bought and sold other human beings like cattle throughout his entire life. In his twilight years, he got so worried about what people would think of him after he was gone that he started going through his documents and letters, editing and embellishing, making himself ill with anxiety. In the end, he was the last Founding Father to go, dying on this date in 1836 at the age of 85.

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Get on board or get outta the way, losers

In light of New York’s legalization of same–sex marriage, a blogger named Julie Waters wrote an open letter to homophobes the other day titled “It. Gets. Worse.” In it, she writes about the incredible strides being made in the fight for equal rights for gays, the inevitability of victory, and calls for the opposition to get on the right side of history before they’re steamrolled:

So you’ve got a choice here.  You can, of course, hold onto your ideas. You can keep fighting for your right to be afraid of gay people, and you can cloak it in such terms as “protect marriage” or use words like “sanctity” and other catch phrases that are, over time, going to just lose their meaning.  

You can waste time and energy with your bigotry and hostility.

But before you decide… just take a deep breath for a moment and think about this:

You know those people in their 70’s who talk about interracial marriage with that sneer in their voice that everyone else rolls their eyes at?  The ones who people just kind of forgive for their hideous prejudices because they’re too old to learn to be any better?  

That’s you.

Maybe not today.  Maybe not in five years.  But in ten years?  Possibly.  In 20, almost definitely.

And she’s exactly right. The genie’s out of the bottle, haters. The good guys have a foothold, and the longer gay marriages take place in these example states (and the others certain to follow) without the sky falling, the more transparent arguments against it based on bigotry and fear become. It’s difficult to continue lying about something once the truth of the matter is common knowledge. You can keep trying, but you’ll do it from the dustbin, an ugly, irrelevant aberration.

It’s good. Read the whole post here.

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Smiling Doom shoots fish in a barrel

What? Not even a long-distance, out-of-focus blur of a humanoid figure? Just a smudge on a window? Geez. The craptozoologists are getting lazy. Do I even have to say it? Okay… no. No, no, no, no, no. That’s not Bigfoot’s fucking face. Nor is it Bigfoot’s face, hand, or ass print. If legit lab tests say otherwise, I’ll eat my shoe and twice my weight in beef jerky. Promise.

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Tired of the muthafuckin’ jackin’

If you’re one of those people who view cops as gallant defenders of the law and heroic protectors of the community (and especially if you are one), piss off. In my experience, police tend to be slow-witted, quick-tempered, and sadistic. Even the few decent ones volunteer to enforce bad laws and arrest good people, so fuck the lot of them. Sure, they show up now and then and save someone’s ass, and might even be a necessity in this strange society we’ve fashioned, but don’t fool yourself into thinking these thugs are “the good guys.” I’ve met dope fiends and nihilistic street urchins with a better sense of justice and honor than a lot of 5-0.

Here are just a few recent video examples of how the fuzz are out of control and out to get you. YouTube is teeming with ’em.

First, just last month Emily Good of Rochester, New York was videotaping a routine traffic stop from her lawn. The person stopped was never actually taken to jail. Emily was:

Next, the Rochester police just happened to begin a particularly vigorous enforcement of a “must be no more than 12 inches from the curb” parking law outside of a neighborhood meeting in support of Emily:

In Miami Beach, Florida, on Memorial Day, Narces Benoit recorded a questionable police shooting. Afterwards, cops attempted to confiscate the video at gunpoint. The footage survived only because Narces managed to remove the memory card and hide it in his mouth:

My advice? Stay clear of the bastards. And if you must interact with the pigs, do so with caution. Never assume that what’s right, the Constitution, or fairness will protect you from abuse. It won’t. These folks learned the hard way.

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THE INFERNAL DEEP: Coffinfish

Creepy fact: These flabby, corpse-like freaks have little-bitty fins on their undercarriage that they use like legs to walk along the ocean floor.

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No homo no more

Congratulations to New York for becoming the nation’s 6th state to buck up, do the right thing, and allow gay marriage. Only 44 more to go. And congratulations to gay people everywhere. Progress is too slow for sure, but it’s inexorable. Hang in there.

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